1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your e-mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 forthe first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and isunable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve.'
Friday, April 28, 2006
Affairs...
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Black Hair/White Beard
Kim...for your entertainment, I googled black hair/white beard and look what I came up with...
yahoo has some good ones also
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Axioms
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos; you never know what's going to burn your ass.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is my ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
10 ) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then defeat you with experience.
13) Be careful - a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
14) Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
15) The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want; if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home...... Adjust!
18) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
19) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
20) I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
21) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
22) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!!!!
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is my ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
10 ) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then defeat you with experience.
13) Be careful - a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
14) Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
15) The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want; if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home...... Adjust!
18) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
19) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
20) I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
21) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
22) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!!!!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Rollergirl has Killa instinct
Ear-splitting Sirens are ready for a bang-up of a derby opener
By LANA BERKOWITZ Copyright 2006 Houston Chronicle
Houston Roller Derby hits the flat track Sunday chasing the heels of Austin's LoneStar Rollergirls, the queens of the roller-derby renaissance and stars of A&E's Rollergirls.
The Austin league, which was formed in 2001, has helped its baby sisters get started with boot camps and advice.
"They are much more experienced than us," said Mistilla the Killa, captain of Houston's Psych Ward Sirens. "They are basically the ones who have created the Southern region buzz that started all the Texas teams and the Louisiana teams."
HRD, which formed in March 2005, took a team to the Dust Devil National Flat Track Derby Tournament held in February. The Texas Rollergirls from Austin won the 20-team tournament held in Tucson, Ariz.; HRD placed 13th.
"Two of the teams in our bracket came in fourth and fifth," Mistilla said. "So I have to say we did pretty damn good."
Houston's teams are filled with a variety of women: businesswomen, single and married moms, CPAs, a trial attorney, retail workers, bartenders.
"It's obviously about extremely strong, independent, determined women who are drawn together with one love, and that's to dominate a sport on wheels," Mistilla said. "It started off maybe as more of a socializing sport, and it's definitely turned into a competing league.
"When we started a year and a half ago, some of the girls hadn't been on skates for 15 years," she said. Many were using rental skates until they made a commitment to HRD.
"This is not a social sport. We're here to be athletes, and there's a time investment," Mistilla said. In addition to practicing three times a week, the skaters are spending their own money on uniforms, equipment and the practice facility until they get full sponsorship.
"Even though we're divided into four teams, we still share important information because ultimately we're all on the same playing field," Mistilla said. "We're still learning. We all have a long way to go."
lana.berkowitz@chron.com
By LANA BERKOWITZ Copyright 2006 Houston Chronicle
Houston Roller Derby hits the flat track Sunday chasing the heels of Austin's LoneStar Rollergirls, the queens of the roller-derby renaissance and stars of A&E's Rollergirls.
The Austin league, which was formed in 2001, has helped its baby sisters get started with boot camps and advice.
"They are much more experienced than us," said Mistilla the Killa, captain of Houston's Psych Ward Sirens. "They are basically the ones who have created the Southern region buzz that started all the Texas teams and the Louisiana teams."
HRD, which formed in March 2005, took a team to the Dust Devil National Flat Track Derby Tournament held in February. The Texas Rollergirls from Austin won the 20-team tournament held in Tucson, Ariz.; HRD placed 13th.
"Two of the teams in our bracket came in fourth and fifth," Mistilla said. "So I have to say we did pretty damn good."
Houston's teams are filled with a variety of women: businesswomen, single and married moms, CPAs, a trial attorney, retail workers, bartenders.
"It's obviously about extremely strong, independent, determined women who are drawn together with one love, and that's to dominate a sport on wheels," Mistilla said. "It started off maybe as more of a socializing sport, and it's definitely turned into a competing league.
"When we started a year and a half ago, some of the girls hadn't been on skates for 15 years," she said. Many were using rental skates until they made a commitment to HRD.
"This is not a social sport. We're here to be athletes, and there's a time investment," Mistilla said. In addition to practicing three times a week, the skaters are spending their own money on uniforms, equipment and the practice facility until they get full sponsorship.
"Even though we're divided into four teams, we still share important information because ultimately we're all on the same playing field," Mistilla said. "We're still learning. We all have a long way to go."
lana.berkowitz@chron.com
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Keep Willie's ad on the air and Kinky's message moving!
There's only one candidate in this race who wants to bring Texas teacher salaries up to the national average and stop our schools from teaching to the TAKS test. There's only one candidate in this race calling for Texas to get off foreign oil and become an energy leader again, and only one calling for comprehensive political reform and the total funding of children's healthcare. Kinky's out there taking his message to Texans seven days a week, and he has been doing it for over a year.A big part of getting the word out is the radio ad Willie Nelson made supporting Kinky. We don't have the $25 million Rick Perry does, or the $8 million Carole Strayhorn raised as a Republican candidate before deciding to go "independent." But we do have a radio ad from a Texas legend calling for something simple and sweeping: "clean energy and clean government." We need your help to keep Willie's ad on the air across Texas through the end of the petition drive on May 11th. Click on the link below to donate to the campaign and add your voice to those demanding "clean energy and clean government" in Texas. https://www.kinkyfriedman.com/contribute/index.html?ref=1000Make no mistake about it: the momentum is building. At headquarters, in cities and towns, and out on the street gathering petition signatures, we can feel it every day. Even those outside of Texas are taking notice—this week, no less an authority than the Wall Street Journal called him "the strongest independent candidate" in the race. Why donate? Think one person's dollars can't possibly make a difference in a race where the other candidates blow millions? Think again. This campaign would barely be possible without the internet. We've raised the vast majority of our money from people just like you, and it's through the internet and things like Willie's radio commercial that we're able to get the most bang for your bucks.Please contribute today.And as always, may the God of your choice bless you.
-Team Kinky
-Team Kinky
Interesting Notice...
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Human Head Found in Trash
LAST UPDATE: 3/28/2006 11:54:04 PM
This story is available on your cell phone at mobile.woai.com.
AMARILLO, Texas (AP) - An investigator sorted through the trash in an Amarillo garbage truck on Monday after workers discovered a human head in the truck's hopper. "The trash is going to make any forensic evidence hard to collect," Amarillo police Lt. Gary Trupe said. After collecting the head, police retraced the truck's route. The truck had already dumped a full load and collected another 40 trash bins when an employee spotted the head. "Hopefully, there wasn't something that was in the first load that was dumped," Trupe said. Police did not identify the head or a cause of death on Monday. Potter County Justice of the Peace Haven Dysart said he had little to work with other than the time and location of the head's discovery. "If we don't find anything else, we still need to have some kind of identification," he said.
What's going on, Amarillo? This sounds like Houstoned news...
This story is available on your cell phone at mobile.woai.com.
AMARILLO, Texas (AP) - An investigator sorted through the trash in an Amarillo garbage truck on Monday after workers discovered a human head in the truck's hopper. "The trash is going to make any forensic evidence hard to collect," Amarillo police Lt. Gary Trupe said. After collecting the head, police retraced the truck's route. The truck had already dumped a full load and collected another 40 trash bins when an employee spotted the head. "Hopefully, there wasn't something that was in the first load that was dumped," Trupe said. Police did not identify the head or a cause of death on Monday. Potter County Justice of the Peace Haven Dysart said he had little to work with other than the time and location of the head's discovery. "If we don't find anything else, we still need to have some kind of identification," he said.
What's going on, Amarillo? This sounds like Houstoned news...
Don't be Afraid of the Roller Derby
Before you look at the pictures below, let me assure you that they are NOT for the faint or weak at heart. They're graphic pics of after surgery for a broken ankle. Here's the note that I got with the pics:
Some of you know I joined the Duke City Derby in Albuquerque. Well I haven't skated in 4 years and went to Tucson to watch the Dust Devil competition. I joined the Sunday scrimmage and on my 3rd time out, I fell backwards over my left leg in a t-stop and broke my ankle. It was a stupid accident and I probably shouldn't have been out there being I'd only been involved in derby for a month but you know how I am and here are my pics.
I expect to be walking by the end of April. As soon as I can, I'll be riding my motorcycles. And then I'll go back to skating. It was great for the short time I was doing it and I hope I can avoid this accident in the future.
Some of you know I joined the Duke City Derby in Albuquerque. Well I haven't skated in 4 years and went to Tucson to watch the Dust Devil competition. I joined the Sunday scrimmage and on my 3rd time out, I fell backwards over my left leg in a t-stop and broke my ankle. It was a stupid accident and I probably shouldn't have been out there being I'd only been involved in derby for a month but you know how I am and here are my pics.
I expect to be walking by the end of April. As soon as I can, I'll be riding my motorcycles. And then I'll go back to skating. It was great for the short time I was doing it and I hope I can avoid this accident in the future.
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