A new scam is being pulled mainly on women who are past the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a red light, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield.
While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps inand insists the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has "his way" with her. They are very good at this.
They got me twice Friday and four times Saturday.
I couldn't find them on Sunday.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I was just thinkin'...
I know. It's hard for you to imagine me thinkin' but I do it ocassionally. I've been thinkin' about someone that I lost a long time ago and how I miss him. Then, I decided to look at the Black-Eyes, Bruises, Bloody-Nose and Choke Marks photo album and decided....NAW! What the fuck was I thinkin'? I don't miss the beatings at all!!!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Sister's talk
Sister K and I have been discussing going down to Corpus Christi to see JB&S www.thestragglers.com on Wednesday night and returning that night. I know that it's only a little over 200 miles but when you get out of bed at 7:00 AM, go to work until noon, drive to Corpus Christi and back, we're talking about a long day. Anyway, we both had heard that this show might sell out since it will be the first show that he'll be back since his little "vacation" and thought that it would be best if we purchased the tickets in advance. A call was made to the Executive Surf Club http://www.executivesurfclub.com/ yesterday and Sister K was told that they didn't have tickets yet...call back tomorrow. The below is an excerpt of our conversation that followed purchasing tickets:
Me: have you called them yet to order a ticket?
Sister K: I just called them and they are 11.00 ea. I got both of us a ticket - the place is right around the corner from the surf club - she said there is a woody out in front (i started giggling) - just come by and pick them up. They will be open - some how affiliated with the surf club????
Me: I don't know I'll recognize a woody if I see one...
Sister K: that's funny - what time do you get off tomorrow?
Me: I just now snapped to what kind of a woody the girl could be talking about...duh. Maybe a jeep?
Sister K: uh, yeah! with wooden side panels....
Me: noon...leaving here & going to the bank to deposit my check & then going home.
Sister K: okay, I'll leave about the same time - I'll have to go home and change clothes and I'll meet you down at mom's!!!
Granted, I'm a bit naive some times but the part about the "woody" is true. I couldn't imagine what kind of landmark we'd be looking for...the real kicker is when Sister K told Mama R what are plan is, (to drive to CC & back in 1 night) she said "been there, done that." It would seem history is repeating itself, generation after generation. And now the countdown is on...less than 24 hours til we head out for Corpus Christi and I can hardly stand it. Wish me luck and a safe trip!!!
Me: have you called them yet to order a ticket?
Sister K: I just called them and they are 11.00 ea. I got both of us a ticket - the place is right around the corner from the surf club - she said there is a woody out in front (i started giggling) - just come by and pick them up. They will be open - some how affiliated with the surf club????
Me: I don't know I'll recognize a woody if I see one...
Sister K: that's funny - what time do you get off tomorrow?
Me: I just now snapped to what kind of a woody the girl could be talking about...duh. Maybe a jeep?
Sister K: uh, yeah! with wooden side panels....
Me: noon...leaving here & going to the bank to deposit my check & then going home.
Sister K: okay, I'll leave about the same time - I'll have to go home and change clothes and I'll meet you down at mom's!!!
Granted, I'm a bit naive some times but the part about the "woody" is true. I couldn't imagine what kind of landmark we'd be looking for...the real kicker is when Sister K told Mama R what are plan is, (to drive to CC & back in 1 night) she said "been there, done that." It would seem history is repeating itself, generation after generation. And now the countdown is on...less than 24 hours til we head out for Corpus Christi and I can hardly stand it. Wish me luck and a safe trip!!!
Friday, November 18, 2005
How You Live Your Life
| How You Live Your Life |
 You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down. |
This is so true it's scary...
If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?
| The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic |
 Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski |
What Mixed Drink Are You?
| You Are an Appletini |
 Most of the time, you're a typical party girl / guy. But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal. |
I Miss the Old Days...
I miss you... I miss the old days... Can we please smoke the peace pipe together after the show?
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Things you need to know...is this true???
1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insec stings too
11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
15. Stinky feet - Jello
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet.
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint - also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it.
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper 21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam stick cooking spray
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!
26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!
27 Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak
28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!
29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter!
34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!
35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
36. Dirty grout - Listerine
37. Stains on clothes - Colgate
38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup
39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!
40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water.
42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Green, Thursday = Red Friday = White and Saturday = Yellow. So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insec stings too
11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
15. Stinky feet - Jello
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet.
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint - also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it.
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper 21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam stick cooking spray
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!
26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!
27 Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak
28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!
29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter!
34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!
35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
36. Dirty grout - Listerine
37. Stains on clothes - Colgate
38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup
39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!
40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water.
42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Green, Thursday = Red Friday = White and Saturday = Yellow. So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.
Monday, November 14, 2005
You know you're a Texan if...
1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San Antonio, Burnet, Boerne, Nacogdoches, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo, and Waxahachie.
2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
3. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You measure distance in minutes.
8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has had a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
15. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol; a Ford F350 4x4 is.
17. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressin'.
18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
19. You actually understand this and you are "fixin' to" send it to your friends.
20. Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper!"
2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
3. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You measure distance in minutes.
8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has had a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
15. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol; a Ford F350 4x4 is.
17. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressin'.
18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
19. You actually understand this and you are "fixin' to" send it to your friends.
20. Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper!"
Friday, November 11, 2005
Test for Prospective Parents...;-)
These tests will help you decide if you're ready for children.
MESS TEST-Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST-Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST-Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST-Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST-Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfulsof soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST-Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST-Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of CocoaPuffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST-Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST- (Women)Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST- (Men)Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT-Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time.
MESS TEST-Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST-Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST-Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST-Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST-Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfulsof soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST-Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST-Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of CocoaPuffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST-Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST- (Women)Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST- (Men)Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT-Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time.
Things That I Have Done...
I've jumped from a moving vehicle - twice!!!
I've saved a child from drowning while his parents were only a couple a feet away from him.
I've saved my grandson from a fire and put the fire out without the fire department's help.
I've been to jail 3 times for the same reason.
I've ridden on the back of a motorcycle from Houston, TX to Sturgis, SD and back again and know what saddle sore means.
I've saved a child from drowning while his parents were only a couple a feet away from him.
I've saved my grandson from a fire and put the fire out without the fire department's help.
I've been to jail 3 times for the same reason.
I've ridden on the back of a motorcycle from Houston, TX to Sturgis, SD and back again and know what saddle sore means.
I've hit a woman in the head with my cell phone and broke 3 fingernails off in her friend's head. (They didn't know what "stfu" meant)
I've been to Disneyworld in Florida and it was the worst vacation of my life.
I've puked in public while my friend held my hair.
I've held my friend's hair while she puked in public.
I've had to drag several of my friends from bars because they were drunk or to fuct up to walk but I don't have that problem.
I can walk and puke at the same time...it's genetic.
I've had more black eyes than I can remember.
I've had my nose broken by an open hand slap.
I once kicked my ex-boyfriend in the head with steel toe boots until my legs were tired while he was driving down the road and sent him to the hospital.
(He deserved it)
I've let numerous people live with us in our house that had no place to go...
why, I don't know.
I've gotten drunk at funerals and weddings because both make me sad.
I've traveled thousands of miles to see live music over the past 30 years and got the t-shirts to prove it.
I've fallen down in the driveway and thought I knocked my teeth loose.
I ate a handful of pills once and lost a week.
I have to bite my tongue on a regular basis to keep from telling my daughter
"I told you so."
I know from personal experience that ADD is hereditary and is passed on from father to son.
I have roller skated through all of downtown Houston.
I have been to Hawaii but didn't get in the water because I was scared of it.
I've only been to 18 out of 50 states of the USA.
Laredo, TX is the closest I've been to Mexico and it's one of the filthiest and scariest places that I've seen in my life.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
A few good laughs....
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST; She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE; "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN; (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR; While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS; A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carto n of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo-! -oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND; A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
COMMUNICATION; A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION; A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT; A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT; A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WOMEN'S REVENGE; "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN; (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR; While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS; A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carto n of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo-! -oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND; A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
COMMUNICATION; A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION; A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT; A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT; A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
~Halloween Joke~
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.
So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?Have you ever heard of a black Superman?Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.
The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?Have you ever heard of a black Batman?Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle."
So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?Have you ever heard of a black Superman?Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.
The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?Have you ever heard of a black Batman?Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle."
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