The health benefits of peroxide.....
This was written by Becky Ramsey of Indiana.
"I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little oldbottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store. Myhusband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't tell you about peroxide, or they would lose thousands of dollars."
1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle)andhold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I bathe) No more canker sores & your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash. (Small print says mouth wash and gargle right on the bottle)
2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of "Peroxide" to keep them free of germs.
3. Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the counters.
4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella & other bacteria!
5. I had fungus on my feet for years - until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let dry!
6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes several times a day.
7. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine,but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
8. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septicsystem like bleach or most other disinfectants will.
9. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into a tissue.
10. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
11. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through. You will not have the peroxide burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages, but more natural highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or dirty blonde. It also lightens gradually so it's not a drastic change.
12. Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils,fungus, or other skin infections.
13. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing, pour directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
14. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors with, & there is no smearing which is why I love it so much for this!
15. If outside in shorts when mosquitos are present, pour some peroxide on a cloth or paper towel and add generously to your bare legs and arms,mosquitos will go bye bye or just buzz around...do this about every 20 or 30 minutes & enjoy your outside time in the evenings!
I could go on & on. It is a little brown bottle no home should be without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner.
Send on to others who might need to know the benefits of 3% peroxide.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Congrats to Larry Birkhead
NASSAU, Bahamas (CNN) -- Former boyfriend Larry Birkhead was declared the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby Tuesday, and Howard K. Stern, listed as Dannielynn's father on the birth certificate, said he would not fight for custody.
"My feelings for Dannielynn have not changed," said Stern, who was Smith's lawyer and live-in companion.
"I am not going to fight Larry Birkhead on custody. We're going to do what we can to make sure that the best interests of Dannielynn are carried out. And I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure he gets sole custody," Stern said outside the Bahamian courthouse where the DNA test results were disclosed. (Watch Stern express his disappointment )
When asked when Birkhead would get custody of the 7-month-old girl, who has been living with Stern in Nassau, Stern said he wanted there to be a "gradual transition."
Stern said Birkhead could come to the house any time and spend as much time as he wants with his daughter.
Another hearing is set for Friday to further discuss the custody issue, which involves Stern, Birkhead and Virgie Arthur, Smith's estranged mother who lives in Texas.
Arthur's attorney, John O'Quinn, told "Larry King Live" on Tuesday that Arthur would not seek any sort of guardianship for Dannielynn. Arthur and Birkhead will meet on Thursday, he said, in an attempt to reach an agreement regarding access to Dannielynn.
"Virgie is the grandmother, and we're going to respect that," he said.
Birkhead sits in a good position to take Dannielynn home soon, according to B. J. Bernstein, a defense attorney and CNN legal analyst.
"It's very difficult for grandparents ... to trump the natural, biological parent," Bernstein said.
Arthur said she was happy with the outcome of the results. "All I care about is the safety and well-being of my little granddaughter," she said. (Watch Smith's mom explain what she plans to do next )
Birkhead: I told you so
Birkhead was the first to share the paternity results with the public.
"Everybody, I hate to be the one to tell you this -- but I told you so," he said outside the court as he smiled and threw his hands into the air.
When asked what's next, he said, "I'm going to the toy store."
Crowds applauded in front of the courthouse as Birkhead made the announcement, and Birkhead teared up as he thanked his supporters. (Watch Birkhead be the one to say 'I told you so' )
A DNA test confirmed him as the father with 99.99 percent certainty, said Dr. Michael Baird, who performed the test and revealed the results to a closed session of a Bahamian court.
Baird told CNN's "Larry King Live" that a cheek sample was taken from Dannielynn on March 21 and tested on March 22. The DNA testing was finished March 26, he said, and the results were known to him and some members of his staff but were not made public until he opened the results in the courtroom Tuesday.
The court had ordered DNA testing to determine the father of the child, who has been at the center of a paternity dispute since she was born in a Bahamian hospital in September.
Birkhead, an entertainment reporter and photographer, said shortly after the baby's birth that he accompanied Smith to doctors' appointments until a "minor disagreement" took place while she was pregnant.
In September, Stern said on CNN's "Larry King Live" that he and Smith were confident he was the father, and "based on the timing of when the baby was born, there really is no doubt in either of our minds."
Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Frederic von Anhalt, also said he could be the father.
Dannielynn stands to inherit millions of dollars from the estate of Smith's late husband, oil tycoon Howard Marshall II. Until her death, Smith was involved in a legal battle over the inheritance.
The former Playboy Playmate died of an accidental drug overdose February 8.
After a protracted dispute over the burial of Smith's body, Stern and Birkhead began battling in Bahamian courts over the child, and a judge ordered that a swab be taken from the girl for DNA testing.
Stern then asked the Bahamas' Court of Appeal to block release of those test results, arguing that the judge had misinterpreted the law and his order invaded the girl's privacy.
Earlier this month, appellate judges questioned why Stern was raising legal claims after giving consent to the DNA swabbing.
Stern was ordered to pay $10,000 in court costs for the abandoned appeal.
"My feelings for Dannielynn have not changed," said Stern, who was Smith's lawyer and live-in companion.
"I am not going to fight Larry Birkhead on custody. We're going to do what we can to make sure that the best interests of Dannielynn are carried out. And I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure he gets sole custody," Stern said outside the Bahamian courthouse where the DNA test results were disclosed. (Watch Stern express his disappointment )
When asked when Birkhead would get custody of the 7-month-old girl, who has been living with Stern in Nassau, Stern said he wanted there to be a "gradual transition."
Stern said Birkhead could come to the house any time and spend as much time as he wants with his daughter.
Another hearing is set for Friday to further discuss the custody issue, which involves Stern, Birkhead and Virgie Arthur, Smith's estranged mother who lives in Texas.
Arthur's attorney, John O'Quinn, told "Larry King Live" on Tuesday that Arthur would not seek any sort of guardianship for Dannielynn. Arthur and Birkhead will meet on Thursday, he said, in an attempt to reach an agreement regarding access to Dannielynn.
"Virgie is the grandmother, and we're going to respect that," he said.
Birkhead sits in a good position to take Dannielynn home soon, according to B. J. Bernstein, a defense attorney and CNN legal analyst.
"It's very difficult for grandparents ... to trump the natural, biological parent," Bernstein said.
Arthur said she was happy with the outcome of the results. "All I care about is the safety and well-being of my little granddaughter," she said. (Watch Smith's mom explain what she plans to do next )
Birkhead: I told you so
Birkhead was the first to share the paternity results with the public.
"Everybody, I hate to be the one to tell you this -- but I told you so," he said outside the court as he smiled and threw his hands into the air.
When asked what's next, he said, "I'm going to the toy store."
Crowds applauded in front of the courthouse as Birkhead made the announcement, and Birkhead teared up as he thanked his supporters. (Watch Birkhead be the one to say 'I told you so' )
A DNA test confirmed him as the father with 99.99 percent certainty, said Dr. Michael Baird, who performed the test and revealed the results to a closed session of a Bahamian court.
Baird told CNN's "Larry King Live" that a cheek sample was taken from Dannielynn on March 21 and tested on March 22. The DNA testing was finished March 26, he said, and the results were known to him and some members of his staff but were not made public until he opened the results in the courtroom Tuesday.
The court had ordered DNA testing to determine the father of the child, who has been at the center of a paternity dispute since she was born in a Bahamian hospital in September.
Birkhead, an entertainment reporter and photographer, said shortly after the baby's birth that he accompanied Smith to doctors' appointments until a "minor disagreement" took place while she was pregnant.
In September, Stern said on CNN's "Larry King Live" that he and Smith were confident he was the father, and "based on the timing of when the baby was born, there really is no doubt in either of our minds."
Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Frederic von Anhalt, also said he could be the father.
Dannielynn stands to inherit millions of dollars from the estate of Smith's late husband, oil tycoon Howard Marshall II. Until her death, Smith was involved in a legal battle over the inheritance.
The former Playboy Playmate died of an accidental drug overdose February 8.
After a protracted dispute over the burial of Smith's body, Stern and Birkhead began battling in Bahamian courts over the child, and a judge ordered that a swab be taken from the girl for DNA testing.
Stern then asked the Bahamas' Court of Appeal to block release of those test results, arguing that the judge had misinterpreted the law and his order invaded the girl's privacy.
Earlier this month, appellate judges questioned why Stern was raising legal claims after giving consent to the DNA swabbing.
Stern was ordered to pay $10,000 in court costs for the abandoned appeal.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
March 6th is Alamo Remembrance Day
On March 6th, 1836 the defenders of the Alamo perished to see that those who lived had an opportunity for life without tyranny. All of the Alamo defenders were killed, their bodies were piled up by the Mexican army and all were burned. Some time after the war, Juan Seguin returned to San Antonio de Bexar to give the charred remains of the Alamo defenders a proper burial. During the brief ceremony Col. Seguin gave the following remarks:
"Comrades in arms: These remains which we have had the honor of carrying on our shoulders are the ones of the brave heroes who died in the Alamo. Yes, my friends, they preferred a thousand deaths rather than surrender or serve the yoke of the tyrant. What a brilliant example. Worthy indeed of being recorded in the pages of history. The genius of liberty seems to be witnessing from its high throne, from whence with praising look points out the deed saying: "Here you have your brothers, Travis, Bowie, Crockett and a few others whose valor, places them in the number of my heroes.---The worthy remains of our venerable companions bearing witness, I ask you to tell the world, Texas shall be free and independent or we shall perish with glory in battle."
These words should be carried in the heart of every Texan, whether by birth or in spirit. They are as true today as they were in 1836. They were soliders of Texas. Honor them.
"Comrades in arms: These remains which we have had the honor of carrying on our shoulders are the ones of the brave heroes who died in the Alamo. Yes, my friends, they preferred a thousand deaths rather than surrender or serve the yoke of the tyrant. What a brilliant example. Worthy indeed of being recorded in the pages of history. The genius of liberty seems to be witnessing from its high throne, from whence with praising look points out the deed saying: "Here you have your brothers, Travis, Bowie, Crockett and a few others whose valor, places them in the number of my heroes.---The worthy remains of our venerable companions bearing witness, I ask you to tell the world, Texas shall be free and independent or we shall perish with glory in battle."
These words should be carried in the heart of every Texan, whether by birth or in spirit. They are as true today as they were in 1836. They were soliders of Texas. Honor them.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Poor ol' Anna Nicole Smith
You know I kinda felt sorry for her. She definitely had problems with drugs and/or alcohol and needed help but couldn't/wouldn't help herself. So who do you think killed her or was it an accident? I personally think with all of the drug/alcohol abuse, something else happened that we'll find out later on after the autopsy. Possibly heart problems or her body gave up...poor ol' Anna Nicole.
CNN) -- Anna Nicole Smith died Thursday at a South Florida hospital after being discovered unconscious in her hotel room.
The reality TV star, Playboy Playmate and former Guess model was 39.
She checked into the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida, on Monday with her lawyer and boyfriend, Howard K. Stern.
Smith's private nurse called hotel workers at 1:38 p.m. and security officials went to the room, Seminole Police Chief Charlie Tiger said. (Watch Chief Tiger describe the rescue effort )
Before rescue workers arrived, Smith's bodyguard performed CPR on her, he said.
She was taken to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood at 2:10 p.m. where she died, Tiger said. (Watch how Smith's death leaves daughter's fate undecided )
An autopsy is scheduled for Friday, according to the Broward County Medical Examiner's Office. (Watch what might have led to Smith's death )
Late Thursday, police told CNN the hotel room where Smith was found had been cleared. Police carried bags of evidence out of the building.
Smith's attorney, Ron Rale, told reporters she had been suffering from flulike symptoms for the last couple of days.
"We are saddened and heartbroken by my sister's death. No matter what our differences have been over the years, Anna was still our blood and she will be missed terribly," Smith's sister, Donna Hogan, said in a statement Thursday.
"She was a woman who was determined to get out of her small town in Texas and make a name for herself." (Smith rose to fame after dropping out of school)
Hogan went on to say that the death of Smith's son, Daniel, last year "left her deeply saddened, a sadness she hid from everyone."
Dannielynn Hope, who Smith gave birth to a few days before Daniel, 20, died, "is now without a mother," Hogan wrote.
A life of celebrity and tribulations
Smith was known as much for her sometimes-turbulent life off-camera as she was for her tabloid celebrity. The former topless dancer in Houston made her first appearance in Playboy in 1992, was named Playmate of the Year in 1993, and appeared in Guess jeans ads and movies.
In 2002, Smith launched a reality television program, "The Anna Nicole Show," on the E! Entertainment network. At one point, it was the network's highest-rated program.
She shocked people by marrying 89-year-old Texas oil magnate Howard Marshall II, who had an estate valued at $1.6 billion. He died the next year, and Smith waged a 12-year feud with Marshall's son, E. Pierce Marshall, over the inheritance.
Earlier this week, Smith was included in a class-action lawsuit against a company, TrimSpa, for which she had worked as a spokesperson. (Watch Larry King say Smith's weight issues led to her depression )
TrimSpa makes a product it claims leads to substantial weight loss. The lawsuit alleges the marketing of the product, TrimSpa X32, was false or misleading. (Full story)
Smith also was embroiled in a dispute over the paternity of Dannielynn Hope. (Full story)
Larry Birkhead, an entertainment reporter and photographer who has claimed to be Dannielynn's father, will be filing an emergency order to obtain DNA samples to determine paternity, his attorney, Debra Opri, told CNN's "Larry King Live."
Smith and Stern have both said that Stern is Dannielynn's father. Stern has said the couple planned to marry, but it was unclear whether they had. Rale said he would be in court to oppose the DNA order.
A hearing is set for 8:30 a.m.
"On the instructions of the experts, we had to move in for a DNA order tomorrow morning, and we're going in for that," Opri said. "We need the order ... Larry has to do what the doctors say, and I have to do what the doctors say."
On news of Smith's death, Opri said Birkhead was "inconsolable ... he has lost the mother of his child and he has lost a woman he loved very much."
CNN) -- Anna Nicole Smith died Thursday at a South Florida hospital after being discovered unconscious in her hotel room.
The reality TV star, Playboy Playmate and former Guess model was 39.
She checked into the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida, on Monday with her lawyer and boyfriend, Howard K. Stern.
Smith's private nurse called hotel workers at 1:38 p.m. and security officials went to the room, Seminole Police Chief Charlie Tiger said. (Watch Chief Tiger describe the rescue effort )
Before rescue workers arrived, Smith's bodyguard performed CPR on her, he said.
She was taken to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood at 2:10 p.m. where she died, Tiger said. (Watch how Smith's death leaves daughter's fate undecided )
An autopsy is scheduled for Friday, according to the Broward County Medical Examiner's Office. (Watch what might have led to Smith's death )
Late Thursday, police told CNN the hotel room where Smith was found had been cleared. Police carried bags of evidence out of the building.
Smith's attorney, Ron Rale, told reporters she had been suffering from flulike symptoms for the last couple of days.
"We are saddened and heartbroken by my sister's death. No matter what our differences have been over the years, Anna was still our blood and she will be missed terribly," Smith's sister, Donna Hogan, said in a statement Thursday.
"She was a woman who was determined to get out of her small town in Texas and make a name for herself." (Smith rose to fame after dropping out of school)
Hogan went on to say that the death of Smith's son, Daniel, last year "left her deeply saddened, a sadness she hid from everyone."
Dannielynn Hope, who Smith gave birth to a few days before Daniel, 20, died, "is now without a mother," Hogan wrote.
A life of celebrity and tribulations
Smith was known as much for her sometimes-turbulent life off-camera as she was for her tabloid celebrity. The former topless dancer in Houston made her first appearance in Playboy in 1992, was named Playmate of the Year in 1993, and appeared in Guess jeans ads and movies.
In 2002, Smith launched a reality television program, "The Anna Nicole Show," on the E! Entertainment network. At one point, it was the network's highest-rated program.
She shocked people by marrying 89-year-old Texas oil magnate Howard Marshall II, who had an estate valued at $1.6 billion. He died the next year, and Smith waged a 12-year feud with Marshall's son, E. Pierce Marshall, over the inheritance.
Earlier this week, Smith was included in a class-action lawsuit against a company, TrimSpa, for which she had worked as a spokesperson. (Watch Larry King say Smith's weight issues led to her depression )
TrimSpa makes a product it claims leads to substantial weight loss. The lawsuit alleges the marketing of the product, TrimSpa X32, was false or misleading. (Full story)
Smith also was embroiled in a dispute over the paternity of Dannielynn Hope. (Full story)
Larry Birkhead, an entertainment reporter and photographer who has claimed to be Dannielynn's father, will be filing an emergency order to obtain DNA samples to determine paternity, his attorney, Debra Opri, told CNN's "Larry King Live."
Smith and Stern have both said that Stern is Dannielynn's father. Stern has said the couple planned to marry, but it was unclear whether they had. Rale said he would be in court to oppose the DNA order.
A hearing is set for 8:30 a.m.
"On the instructions of the experts, we had to move in for a DNA order tomorrow morning, and we're going in for that," Opri said. "We need the order ... Larry has to do what the doctors say, and I have to do what the doctors say."
On news of Smith's death, Opri said Birkhead was "inconsolable ... he has lost the mother of his child and he has lost a woman he loved very much."
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
If you believe in birth control...
Planned Parenthood is launching one of the most important birth control campaigns in our 90-year history. Our target audience is small, but influential — the 100 members of the United States Senate. We're working to provide them with vitally important facts about health care and birth control.If you believe in birth control, we need you to act now. Send critical information about birth control and the Prevention First Act to the Senators who represent you in Congress.Alert Congress now. Send them our "Prevention First" petition.Since George W. Bush made the indefensible decision to put anti-birth control, anti-sex ed Eric Keroack in charge of the nation's family planning program, Planned Parenthood has gathered more than 116,000 petitions protesting the appointment.Unbelievably, the man now in charge of America's family planning program spent years as medical director of a group that thinks birth control is "demeaning to women." Now, we've got to make it clear that we won't let Keroack, Bush, or anyone else stand in the way of our efforts to safeguard and expand access to birth control and family planning.On the first day of the new Congress, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), along with Senators Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY), Barack Obama (D-IL), and others, introduced the vitally important Prevention First Act (S.21). Passing this legislation is a key part of Planned Parenthood's 2007 Prevention First agenda. We're pressing Congress to fully fund family planning services, increase access to services through Medicaid, and protect teens with real sex education.Join Planned Parenthood in working with Congress on this commonsense health care legislation.Alert Congress now. Send our "Prevention First" petition.Here are the facts we need you to alert your Senators to right now:Birth Control
Title X, the nation's first and only family planning program, provides reproductive health care services to five million low-income women each year — helping to avoid one million unintended pregnancies annually.
Unfortunately, Title X is grossly underfunded and cannot serve all 17 million low-income women who need access to publicly-funded reproductive health care services. Unintended pregnancies and abortions among low-income women are on the rise.
Title X must be fully funded and access should be expanded through Medicaid.Sex Ed
One billion dollars has been wasted on abstinence-only education, which denies young people real information about how to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, including AIDS.
Seventy-five percent of parents believe comprehensive, medically accurate sex education should be taught in schools.
Congress should protect teens' health by passing REAL, the Responsible Education About Life Act.Eric Keroack wants Congress to ignore the facts, but we're not going to let it happen.Please send members of Congress the Planned Parenthood "Prevention First" Petition right now.Sincerely,Cecile RichardsPresidentPlanned Parenthood Federation of AmericaP.S. Planned Parenthood is planning a nationwide Prevention First day of action on February 13, and we need to send as many petitions to Congress as possible before then. Please forward this petition to your friends right now.
Title X, the nation's first and only family planning program, provides reproductive health care services to five million low-income women each year — helping to avoid one million unintended pregnancies annually.
Unfortunately, Title X is grossly underfunded and cannot serve all 17 million low-income women who need access to publicly-funded reproductive health care services. Unintended pregnancies and abortions among low-income women are on the rise.
Title X must be fully funded and access should be expanded through Medicaid.Sex Ed
One billion dollars has been wasted on abstinence-only education, which denies young people real information about how to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, including AIDS.
Seventy-five percent of parents believe comprehensive, medically accurate sex education should be taught in schools.
Congress should protect teens' health by passing REAL, the Responsible Education About Life Act.Eric Keroack wants Congress to ignore the facts, but we're not going to let it happen.Please send members of Congress the Planned Parenthood "Prevention First" Petition right now.Sincerely,Cecile RichardsPresidentPlanned Parenthood Federation of AmericaP.S. Planned Parenthood is planning a nationwide Prevention First day of action on February 13, and we need to send as many petitions to Congress as possible before then. Please forward this petition to your friends right now.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Lizards...
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Heaven's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they . . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just . . . just . . . Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Then howl!
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker ...Priceless
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Heaven's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they . . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just . . . just . . . Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Then howl!
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker ...Priceless
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