Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"Miraculously, a parking place appeared.Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
**********************************************************
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to goto heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that whenyou die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a grouptogether to go right now."
***********************************************
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
*********************************************************
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
********************************************************
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
************************************************************
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
********************************************************
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked inthe hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled hisway to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
*******************************************************
This incident took place in Dublin awhile ago and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock take, it's true according to local townspeople. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic. Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the embankment, John started to pray for his life. Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel. John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead. Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience he just had. A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to escape the stormy night. They, like John, were soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's that idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it."
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Can't Deny the Facts..What Senator John Glenn Said
Things that make you think a little:
There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq in January.
In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in the month of January.
That's just one American city, about as deadly as the entire war-torn country of Iraq.
When some claim that President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following:
a. FDR led us into World War II.
b. Germany never attacked us; Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost ...an average of 112,500 per year.
c. Truman finished that war and started one in Korea . North Korea never attacked us . From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost. An average of 18,334 per year.
d. John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.Vietnam never attacked us.
e. Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost ..an average of 5,800 per year.
f. Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent. Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.
g. In the years since terrorists attacked us, President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippledal-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran, and North Korea without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people. The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking. But it took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation. We've been looking for evidence for chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and theMarines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick. It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida !!!! Our Commander-In-Chief is doing a GREAT JOB! The Military morale is high! The biased media hopes we are too ignorant to realize the facts. But wait. There's more!
JOHN GLENN (ON THE SENATE FLOOR)Mon, 26 Jan 2004 11:13 Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what they do for a living. This exchange between Senators John Glenn and Senator Howard Metzenbaumis worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of oneman's explanation of why men and women in the armed services do what they do for a living. This IS a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never served think of the military. Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):"How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?" Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):"I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps. I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't mycheckbook, Howard, it was my life on the line. It was not a nine-to-five job, where I took my tie off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank. I ask you to go with me as I went the other day to a Veterans' Hospital and look those men with their mangled bodies in the eye, and tell THEM they didn't hold a job! You go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and orphansof Ed White, Gus Grissom, and Roger Chaffee...and you look those kids in the eye and tell them that their DADS didn't hold a job. You go with me on Memorial Day, and you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags; You stand there, and you think about this nation,and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job? What about you?" For those who don't remember ..During W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA. Now he's a Senator! If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
It might not be a bad idea to keep this circulating.
There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq in January.
In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in the month of January.
That's just one American city, about as deadly as the entire war-torn country of Iraq.
When some claim that President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following:
a. FDR led us into World War II.
b. Germany never attacked us; Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost ...an average of 112,500 per year.
c. Truman finished that war and started one in Korea . North Korea never attacked us . From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost. An average of 18,334 per year.
d. John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.Vietnam never attacked us.
e. Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost ..an average of 5,800 per year.
f. Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent. Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.
g. In the years since terrorists attacked us, President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippledal-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran, and North Korea without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people. The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking. But it took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation. We've been looking for evidence for chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and theMarines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick. It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida !!!! Our Commander-In-Chief is doing a GREAT JOB! The Military morale is high! The biased media hopes we are too ignorant to realize the facts. But wait. There's more!
JOHN GLENN (ON THE SENATE FLOOR)Mon, 26 Jan 2004 11:13 Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what they do for a living. This exchange between Senators John Glenn and Senator Howard Metzenbaumis worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of oneman's explanation of why men and women in the armed services do what they do for a living. This IS a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never served think of the military. Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):"How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?" Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):"I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps. I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't mycheckbook, Howard, it was my life on the line. It was not a nine-to-five job, where I took my tie off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank. I ask you to go with me as I went the other day to a Veterans' Hospital and look those men with their mangled bodies in the eye, and tell THEM they didn't hold a job! You go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and orphansof Ed White, Gus Grissom, and Roger Chaffee...and you look those kids in the eye and tell them that their DADS didn't hold a job. You go with me on Memorial Day, and you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags; You stand there, and you think about this nation,and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job? What about you?" For those who don't remember ..During W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA. Now he's a Senator! If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
It might not be a bad idea to keep this circulating.
Stop Junk Mail~Save A Tree!!!
By Melissa Breyer, Senior Producer, Care2 Green Living
In a single year Americans receive 19 billion catalogs in the mail. That boils down to 3.6 million tons of paper at the cost of 53 million trees. Ouch. And that's not to mention all the rest of the junky junk mail that seems to flood our mailboxes like a swarm of locusts. We've collected the information here that you need to tame the catalog beast and stop junk mail in its tracks.
Production of the paper used for American catalogs uses the same amount of energy required to power 1.2 million homes in a year, and contributes annual emissions equal to that created by 2 million cars. That's incredibly significant! All to get us to buy buy buy more junk. It's just madness.
SIMPLE SOLUTION: Unlike the National Do Not Call Registry that puts an end to commercial telemarketers with one simple registration, there is not as easy a free way to do so with mail. However, if you don't mind paying a small fee, there is a great company called GreenDimes that promises to stop 90 percent of your junk mail and plant ten trees on your behalf. They also regularly review direct marketers' mailing lists and remove your name when found there. I'd be happy to pay twenty dollars for the ten trees alone, but for stopping my junk mail too? Money well spent.
If you have the DIY inclination, you can reduce you junk mail for free and on your own. You need to tackle each category independently, but it can be done and often pretty quickly. Start with the category from which you receive the most unwanted advertising—catalogs are a great place to start since they use so much paper. Follow the directions below for each area, and know that you are doing a very good deed for the trees and the planet.
Direct Marketing CampaignsMost junk mail is the result of direct marketing campaigns created to entice you to buy a product or service. Just about any time you give a commercial enterprise your name and address, they will most likely add it to a mailing list used for direct marketing. Information about your purchase or the service you received is added to the database in an effort to match your purchasing habits with new products and offers. Sometimes it's obvious that your name will go on a mailing list, but sometimes they are very sneaky. For example, what do you think you are really getting when you fill out a product registration form? You're getting on a new mailing list. Congratulations!
National Mailing ListsThe Direct Marketing Association (The DMA) is a trade association of businesses who advertise their products and services directly to consumers by mail, telephone, magazine, Internet, radio or television. Fortunately, they allow consumers to manage their preferences about how their names are used on mailing lists. Managing your preference here can wipe out much, but not all, of your junk mail in one fell swoop. Hurray!
CatalogsCatalog Choice allows you to select the catalogs you no longer want to receive and then they contact the catalog provider and request your name be removed form their list. You need to select all of the catalogs you wish to stop, but this service is great because it requires only one registration and they take care of all of the correspondence. You should have a copy of the catalogs that you wish to discontinue so that you can get the code from the mailing label. The rest is very simple.
Pre-Approved Offers of CreditThis one is especially annoying, since pre-approved offers of credit tempt you to accrue debt and pose identity theft opportunities. There are four credit bureaus in the United States: Equifax, Experian, TransUnion and Innovis. Many companies that you do business with share their data with these bureaus. In turn, the bureaus rent their lists to banks and creditors. Although specific financial information isn't included in these databases, they do categorize the lists by general income brackets and consumer habits. The insurance industry also uses these lists to solicit business. Thankfully, the federal Fair Credit Reporting Act and some states' laws require credit reporting companies to delete any consumer's name and address from mailing lists at the consumer's request. You can do so by calling (888) 5OPTOUT (888-567-8688) to opt out of the mailing lists for all four of the credit bureaus.
Sweepstakes and PrizesYou should know that sweepstakes and prizes aren't generally awarded out of kindness. When you register to win that trip to Hawaii, your name is likely to appear on mailing lists used by other promoters of contests, sweepstakes and lotteries. These lists are almost always sold or rented. No number to call for this, just know that for every sweepstakes you join, chances are you are being entered on another list. Check the entry form, and decline to participate unless you are given the opportunity to "opt out" of any mailing lists or special offers.
Product Registration CardsThis one is so sly-fox tricky. When you send in a "product registration" card, these cards are usually sent directly a post office box in Denver, Colo., of Equifax Direct Marketing Solutions. They don't go to the manufacturer of the product. These secondary companies compile buyer profiles and sell the information to other companies for marketing purposes. Experian also compiles consumer information from registration forms. Look at these cards. What do your hobbies, the number of people in your household, and your income have to do with the warranty of a product?! In most cases your receipt ensures that you are covered by the warranty if the product is defective. Check to see if there is a separate warranty card, or call the company to find out if there is a way to submit the product's serial number without using the registration card. If you decide to send the registration card, include only minimal information: Name, address, date of purchase and product serial number.
In a single year Americans receive 19 billion catalogs in the mail. That boils down to 3.6 million tons of paper at the cost of 53 million trees. Ouch. And that's not to mention all the rest of the junky junk mail that seems to flood our mailboxes like a swarm of locusts. We've collected the information here that you need to tame the catalog beast and stop junk mail in its tracks.
Production of the paper used for American catalogs uses the same amount of energy required to power 1.2 million homes in a year, and contributes annual emissions equal to that created by 2 million cars. That's incredibly significant! All to get us to buy buy buy more junk. It's just madness.
SIMPLE SOLUTION: Unlike the National Do Not Call Registry that puts an end to commercial telemarketers with one simple registration, there is not as easy a free way to do so with mail. However, if you don't mind paying a small fee, there is a great company called GreenDimes that promises to stop 90 percent of your junk mail and plant ten trees on your behalf. They also regularly review direct marketers' mailing lists and remove your name when found there. I'd be happy to pay twenty dollars for the ten trees alone, but for stopping my junk mail too? Money well spent.
If you have the DIY inclination, you can reduce you junk mail for free and on your own. You need to tackle each category independently, but it can be done and often pretty quickly. Start with the category from which you receive the most unwanted advertising—catalogs are a great place to start since they use so much paper. Follow the directions below for each area, and know that you are doing a very good deed for the trees and the planet.
Direct Marketing CampaignsMost junk mail is the result of direct marketing campaigns created to entice you to buy a product or service. Just about any time you give a commercial enterprise your name and address, they will most likely add it to a mailing list used for direct marketing. Information about your purchase or the service you received is added to the database in an effort to match your purchasing habits with new products and offers. Sometimes it's obvious that your name will go on a mailing list, but sometimes they are very sneaky. For example, what do you think you are really getting when you fill out a product registration form? You're getting on a new mailing list. Congratulations!
National Mailing ListsThe Direct Marketing Association (The DMA) is a trade association of businesses who advertise their products and services directly to consumers by mail, telephone, magazine, Internet, radio or television. Fortunately, they allow consumers to manage their preferences about how their names are used on mailing lists. Managing your preference here can wipe out much, but not all, of your junk mail in one fell swoop. Hurray!
CatalogsCatalog Choice allows you to select the catalogs you no longer want to receive and then they contact the catalog provider and request your name be removed form their list. You need to select all of the catalogs you wish to stop, but this service is great because it requires only one registration and they take care of all of the correspondence. You should have a copy of the catalogs that you wish to discontinue so that you can get the code from the mailing label. The rest is very simple.
Pre-Approved Offers of CreditThis one is especially annoying, since pre-approved offers of credit tempt you to accrue debt and pose identity theft opportunities. There are four credit bureaus in the United States: Equifax, Experian, TransUnion and Innovis. Many companies that you do business with share their data with these bureaus. In turn, the bureaus rent their lists to banks and creditors. Although specific financial information isn't included in these databases, they do categorize the lists by general income brackets and consumer habits. The insurance industry also uses these lists to solicit business. Thankfully, the federal Fair Credit Reporting Act and some states' laws require credit reporting companies to delete any consumer's name and address from mailing lists at the consumer's request. You can do so by calling (888) 5OPTOUT (888-567-8688) to opt out of the mailing lists for all four of the credit bureaus.
Sweepstakes and PrizesYou should know that sweepstakes and prizes aren't generally awarded out of kindness. When you register to win that trip to Hawaii, your name is likely to appear on mailing lists used by other promoters of contests, sweepstakes and lotteries. These lists are almost always sold or rented. No number to call for this, just know that for every sweepstakes you join, chances are you are being entered on another list. Check the entry form, and decline to participate unless you are given the opportunity to "opt out" of any mailing lists or special offers.
Product Registration CardsThis one is so sly-fox tricky. When you send in a "product registration" card, these cards are usually sent directly a post office box in Denver, Colo., of Equifax Direct Marketing Solutions. They don't go to the manufacturer of the product. These secondary companies compile buyer profiles and sell the information to other companies for marketing purposes. Experian also compiles consumer information from registration forms. Look at these cards. What do your hobbies, the number of people in your household, and your income have to do with the warranty of a product?! In most cases your receipt ensures that you are covered by the warranty if the product is defective. Check to see if there is a separate warranty card, or call the company to find out if there is a way to submit the product's serial number without using the registration card. If you decide to send the registration card, include only minimal information: Name, address, date of purchase and product serial number.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
