Thursday, August 25, 2005
Should I stay or should I go?
Got invited to go to Austin with friends from III's message board on Saturday AM and return on Sunday around midnight...should I blow off my daughter's 19th birthday or go to Austin? It's not like my daughter will be at home on her birthday. Either she'll be working or partying somewhere that won't involve me. What to do...what to do?
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Quotable Quotes
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car." Carrie Snow
"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't." Rhonda Hansome
"Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows." Jennifer Unlimited
"Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton
"Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart." Caryn Leschen
"I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once." Jennifer Unlimited
"If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." Catherine ?
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." Elayne Boosler
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." Maryon Pearson
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. " Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission." Eleanor Roosevelt
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car." Carrie Snow
"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't." Rhonda Hansome
"Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows." Jennifer Unlimited
"Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton
"Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart." Caryn Leschen
"I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once." Jennifer Unlimited
"If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." Catherine ?
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." Elayne Boosler
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." Maryon Pearson
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. " Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission." Eleanor Roosevelt
Monday, August 22, 2005
I didn't do anything...
I sat around all weekend...ok not really. I didn't go out anywhere for fear of someone trying to talk to me and I didn't feel like making conversation with idiots or hearing someone say "smile". I'd went out Wednesday nite with Sister Kelly and saw Ray Wylie Hubbard and had a good time...he's a real nice guy. Anyway, I should've went out to see Dale Watson on Friday nite since it was Cammi's birthday and she was in town for the show from Austin. Heard there was a big party for her and I've already saw lots of pics on III's site of it. I've been so depressed lately that it's all I can do to function with normal activities but hopefully in time I'll be back to my old self as long as I stay away from the one that makes me sad. I will have to test the water again soon and I don't know if I'm prepared for it or not. The last time I saw the person that makes me sad, I got on a crying drunk and don't remember driving hundreds of miles home...witnessing your worst nightmare coming true is too much for me. I saw the train wreck long before it happened and all I could do was ask if something is wrong. When the reply is always no, one would think nothing is wrong even if you're in a motel room with the one that makes you sad and his phone rings while he's in the shower and you see the name on caller ID. When you ask why she'd call @ 3 AM, it's explained away and swept under the rug. I knew then but refused to see the signs...I'd seen the signs before but looked away for fear of someone thinking I'm jealous.
Ok...back to the original topic...I did yard work, bathed the dogs, did laundry and went to the neighbors and hung out with her at her pool. Yes, she finally apologized to me for being a fucktard. She insulted me III times in one day so before I left, I told her husband that I thought it was best I leave now before I drown your wife in the pool for being fucked up and insulting me and he totally understood. I guess he wants to secretly kill her also...
On Thursday, I'd thought about doing a rain dance for northern New Mexico because it seems that there's a drought in that part of the country but I was scared to do it. I've got a lot of pent up energy waiting to be released but I didn't want to flood them and people to die in rushing flood water. It gave me great pleasure to watch the weather channel this weekend and see that they did indeed receive rain. I hope it was enjoyable for them as it was for me...
Ok...back to the original topic...I did yard work, bathed the dogs, did laundry and went to the neighbors and hung out with her at her pool. Yes, she finally apologized to me for being a fucktard. She insulted me III times in one day so before I left, I told her husband that I thought it was best I leave now before I drown your wife in the pool for being fucked up and insulting me and he totally understood. I guess he wants to secretly kill her also...
On Thursday, I'd thought about doing a rain dance for northern New Mexico because it seems that there's a drought in that part of the country but I was scared to do it. I've got a lot of pent up energy waiting to be released but I didn't want to flood them and people to die in rushing flood water. It gave me great pleasure to watch the weather channel this weekend and see that they did indeed receive rain. I hope it was enjoyable for them as it was for me...
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Smile? A deadly question...
People come up to me all of the time & say "Smile" & I don't know why they say it. I know that I'm not usually grinning like a possum eating briars, but why can't I remain emotionless if I want to? Why do people insist that I smile if I'm not happy? I feel like I'd look as if I was retarded or people would think I'm high on acid if I sat around smiling like an idiot all of the time. If you've got a mouthful of rotten teeth or a mouthful of Skoal or Copenhagen or if your teeth are entirely too big for your mouth, please DO NOT even attempt to make me smile because chances are, I don't even want to talk to you anyway but am decent enough not to say to you "Your teeth make me gag."
You know, if you feel as if you need to make me smile then do something about it. Entertain me is some kind of way (like my old friends used to before I was dumped on the side of road on the freeway of life with no cigarettes). Come over to my house and do much needed home repairs at your expense...that would really make me laugh out loud. Send me on an all expenses paid vacation to the South Pacific, fuck Mexico and the Carribean. Pay for my children's college education.
Life has not been an easy path for me and I've had to deal with some hardships that many of you could not possibly understand. Try raising a young boy to be a man alone when his dad is dead and you've got no father of your own for guidance since he's dead also and there are no male figures in your life to speak of. Try raising kids on a little bitty social security check & a woman's salary with no education. You think you've got it tough. I bet there's not a man out there that wouldn't cave in from the pressure and crawl back home to mama for help. Try being me for 6 months & you'll know exactly why I don't feel like smiling.
Next time you ask someone to fucking "SMILE" think about their situation first before you automatically assume that they need you to make them smile. Maybe they don't want to...maybe they can't.
You know, if you feel as if you need to make me smile then do something about it. Entertain me is some kind of way (like my old friends used to before I was dumped on the side of road on the freeway of life with no cigarettes). Come over to my house and do much needed home repairs at your expense...that would really make me laugh out loud. Send me on an all expenses paid vacation to the South Pacific, fuck Mexico and the Carribean. Pay for my children's college education.
Life has not been an easy path for me and I've had to deal with some hardships that many of you could not possibly understand. Try raising a young boy to be a man alone when his dad is dead and you've got no father of your own for guidance since he's dead also and there are no male figures in your life to speak of. Try raising kids on a little bitty social security check & a woman's salary with no education. You think you've got it tough. I bet there's not a man out there that wouldn't cave in from the pressure and crawl back home to mama for help. Try being me for 6 months & you'll know exactly why I don't feel like smiling.
Next time you ask someone to fucking "SMILE" think about their situation first before you automatically assume that they need you to make them smile. Maybe they don't want to...maybe they can't.
Monday, August 15, 2005
A Basic Stalking Guide...
Now if I only gave a shit about anyone enough to stalk them, I got the basic guide.
http://www.kistenet.com/leahanne/stalkingguide.htm
The Art of Stalking:
Stalking is often misconstrued by the public as a bad thing. In fact, stalking is an art form that has been practiced by many ancient cultures. In Ancient Japan, stalkers were held in high regard, even above the samurai in some areas. Today, we still have a few remains of the creepy notes they would write to their stalkees in ancient mandarin calligraphy. In Elizabethan England, all of the important people had stalkers. The queen herself was rumored to have up to 46 at one time. Even Shakespeare had a stalker of his own. His stalker died late in 1605, sending Shakespeare into a deep depression, the result of which was Macbeth. The stalker's art continued even into the New World as boatloads of colonists were followed by boatloads of stalkers. The most surprising development awaiting the colonists in America, however, was the discovery that Native Americans also practiced stalking and had been doing so for hundreds of years. The art of stalking has survived through the centuries, but only in modern times is it beginning to be seen as detrimental to society. Part of our purpose with this website is to bring new life to this dying way of life and reintegrate the society of stalkers into the American culture.
For Starters:
Start off slow. If you jump head first into stalking, you'll become too obvious and give yourself away. A gradual transition is best. Slowly immerse yourself into the background of your stalkees life without them noticing. And while you begin this slow process, become an expert on their entire life; the information packet given to you at the beginning will help you start this step. Learn about anything from where they were born to where they want to live, from their license plate number to the expiration date on the milk in their refrigerator, from the color of their toothbrush to the smell of their favorite cologne. Nothing is off limits. If you are going to competently stalk this person, you will need to know EVERYTHING.
Beginner Stalking Techniques:
Pictures-- Snapping candid photos of a stalkee is a favorite pasttime among stalkers. The proper stalker photo is hard to master however. The stalkee, of course, must never be aware that a picture is being taken, so the camera must be hidden away or disguised as something else. The photo must still capture a good portion of the stalkees face and torso, and not be fuzzy or unfocused in anyway. This is a hard combination to achieve, when also concerned about staying out of sight of the stalkee. Each stalker has his or her own way of taking candid photos and it may take you a while to find your own individual style.
Creepy phone calls-- This has become a growing skill for any modern day stalker to invest in learning. The stalker phone call is a very simple and fun way to drop hints for your stalkee that you are, indeed, still around. The actual calls range anywhere from the raspy breathing approach, to the heavily modified voice approach. Accents and different voices are key here. There can be dialogue or you can simply deliver a hurried monologue and quickly hang up. Another offshoot of the creepy phone call that is rapidly gaining popularity is the creepy email. Have fun with these!
Hiding in bushes-- This is a necessary skill for any stalker. Bushes are one of the easiest and most abundant hiding places. The best hiding bushes are those with broad leaves and thick foliage, such as the Rhododendron or the Welch Sepharus. Shrubs, while similar to bushes, are not as ideal, as they are smaller and often require the stalker to lay on the ground to be completely covered. Trees are also useful if you know how to climb them. Remember to make a hole for the camera or recording device before doing any actual stalking. Many a good picture has been ruined by a misplaced leaf. Another thing to be aware of when hiding in the bushes, is your feet. Many times bushes don't adequately cover this area and it can lead to discovery by your stalkee. Make sure to coat your shoes in dirt or greenery of some kind to avoid this.
Shadowing-- This is the real meat and potatoes of stalking. While the above skill of hiding in bushes often factors into this, you need to be able to shadow a person through any type of environment. Learn to use even the slightest object as a barrier between you and your stalkee. Learn to look as if you are inconspicuously absorbed in a newspaper the second they turn around. Learn to keep up with them, even if they break into a dead run.
Advanced Stalking Techniques:
At this stage, you shouldn't need much more help. You've begun to get a feel for your stalkee, and maybe you know them better than even they know themselves. You've probably mastered all of the skills above. Now it's time for you to break out of the routine and challenge yourself and your stalking know-how. Begin subtly taking items from your stalkees residence, small items that will not often be missed, and store them in an appropriate envelope, box, or shrine. Begin stalking the family members of your stalkee as well. Begin collections of hair, earwax or toenail clippings from your stalker. Now that you've reached this stage, the possibilities are endless. Enjoy it.
Happy Stalking!
http://www.kistenet.com/leahanne/stalkingguide.htm
The Art of Stalking:
Stalking is often misconstrued by the public as a bad thing. In fact, stalking is an art form that has been practiced by many ancient cultures. In Ancient Japan, stalkers were held in high regard, even above the samurai in some areas. Today, we still have a few remains of the creepy notes they would write to their stalkees in ancient mandarin calligraphy. In Elizabethan England, all of the important people had stalkers. The queen herself was rumored to have up to 46 at one time. Even Shakespeare had a stalker of his own. His stalker died late in 1605, sending Shakespeare into a deep depression, the result of which was Macbeth. The stalker's art continued even into the New World as boatloads of colonists were followed by boatloads of stalkers. The most surprising development awaiting the colonists in America, however, was the discovery that Native Americans also practiced stalking and had been doing so for hundreds of years. The art of stalking has survived through the centuries, but only in modern times is it beginning to be seen as detrimental to society. Part of our purpose with this website is to bring new life to this dying way of life and reintegrate the society of stalkers into the American culture.
For Starters:
Start off slow. If you jump head first into stalking, you'll become too obvious and give yourself away. A gradual transition is best. Slowly immerse yourself into the background of your stalkees life without them noticing. And while you begin this slow process, become an expert on their entire life; the information packet given to you at the beginning will help you start this step. Learn about anything from where they were born to where they want to live, from their license plate number to the expiration date on the milk in their refrigerator, from the color of their toothbrush to the smell of their favorite cologne. Nothing is off limits. If you are going to competently stalk this person, you will need to know EVERYTHING.
Beginner Stalking Techniques:
Pictures-- Snapping candid photos of a stalkee is a favorite pasttime among stalkers. The proper stalker photo is hard to master however. The stalkee, of course, must never be aware that a picture is being taken, so the camera must be hidden away or disguised as something else. The photo must still capture a good portion of the stalkees face and torso, and not be fuzzy or unfocused in anyway. This is a hard combination to achieve, when also concerned about staying out of sight of the stalkee. Each stalker has his or her own way of taking candid photos and it may take you a while to find your own individual style.
Creepy phone calls-- This has become a growing skill for any modern day stalker to invest in learning. The stalker phone call is a very simple and fun way to drop hints for your stalkee that you are, indeed, still around. The actual calls range anywhere from the raspy breathing approach, to the heavily modified voice approach. Accents and different voices are key here. There can be dialogue or you can simply deliver a hurried monologue and quickly hang up. Another offshoot of the creepy phone call that is rapidly gaining popularity is the creepy email. Have fun with these!
Hiding in bushes-- This is a necessary skill for any stalker. Bushes are one of the easiest and most abundant hiding places. The best hiding bushes are those with broad leaves and thick foliage, such as the Rhododendron or the Welch Sepharus. Shrubs, while similar to bushes, are not as ideal, as they are smaller and often require the stalker to lay on the ground to be completely covered. Trees are also useful if you know how to climb them. Remember to make a hole for the camera or recording device before doing any actual stalking. Many a good picture has been ruined by a misplaced leaf. Another thing to be aware of when hiding in the bushes, is your feet. Many times bushes don't adequately cover this area and it can lead to discovery by your stalkee. Make sure to coat your shoes in dirt or greenery of some kind to avoid this.
Shadowing-- This is the real meat and potatoes of stalking. While the above skill of hiding in bushes often factors into this, you need to be able to shadow a person through any type of environment. Learn to use even the slightest object as a barrier between you and your stalkee. Learn to look as if you are inconspicuously absorbed in a newspaper the second they turn around. Learn to keep up with them, even if they break into a dead run.
Advanced Stalking Techniques:
At this stage, you shouldn't need much more help. You've begun to get a feel for your stalkee, and maybe you know them better than even they know themselves. You've probably mastered all of the skills above. Now it's time for you to break out of the routine and challenge yourself and your stalking know-how. Begin subtly taking items from your stalkees residence, small items that will not often be missed, and store them in an appropriate envelope, box, or shrine. Begin stalking the family members of your stalkee as well. Begin collections of hair, earwax or toenail clippings from your stalker. Now that you've reached this stage, the possibilities are endless. Enjoy it.
Happy Stalking!
Updated Stalking Ideas...
http://www.pottymouth.org/humor/stalking.html
How to pursue the guy you adore but are unable to deal with on an adult level
Note: This article is a big, fat joke. If you are really stalking someone in a creepy and scary way, you should stop.
1. Find out where he works.
If he works in a store or food place, shop or eat there regularly. If you're lucky, he might wait on you. Try to get as much interaction out of him as you can. For example, if he comes to your table to check on how things are, ask for a refill of coffee or iced tea. This will force him to come back to your table.
If he doesn't work in a store, you can still stalk him. Receptionists are notorious for leaking information. For example, if you don't know his last name, call and ask for him by his first name. The receptionist will most likely ask for his last name. Pretend that you can't remember his last name and act really embarrassed about it. S/he will most likely sympathize and tell you. Extra bonus: the receptionist might connect you to his extension and you'll get to hear him say, "Hi. This is Josh," before you hang up really fast.
2. Drive by the place he lives.
The Route
When I was a sophomore in high school, my friend Gretchen and I had a route that we drove daily that passed the houses of all the boys we liked - Chris Toupe, Geoff Henderson, and John Livingston. (John Livingston is an actor now, appearing as Walter in the fine film "Mr. Wrong."). At night, drive by very slowly. Sometimes a curtain will be carelessly left open and you can peek in the living room. If you can walk by his house, that's even better. You never know when he'll be outside playing basketball and you'll be able to strike up a conversation. It is very important that you be subtle about this house thing. You must always have a plausible excuse for being in his presence because you don't want to look psycho -- this ruins all your chances with Mr. Wonderful.
3. Try to obtain objects he owns.
If you hang out with him, you can borrow things from him and "forget" to return them. If you don't know him well enough to do this, you will have to steal. The #1 best thing you can get is a piece of his clothing. Sniff the fabric to see if it still smells like him, wear it frequently and refuse to wash it. When clothing isn't available there are many other objects that will suffice: books (for insights into his interests and thought processes), CD's (Warning: if a CD is very easy to obtain, it probably isn't in heavy rotation and he is trying to get rid of it. This means you could start listening to Hootie and the Blowfish all the time for no reason.), and sunglasses (so you can put them on and see the world the way he does). If you aren't able to get your hands on something he owns, you'll have to settle for something he's touched. Walk around behind him and pick up things he's dropped -- pens, pencils, BART tickets, candy wrappers, etc. When you're not fondling the objects, keep them in a special place - under your futon, in a box that you've decoupaged his name onto, etc.
4. Write about him in your journal every day.
Make sure to say things like:
"If he'd only talk to me he'd see that we're perfect for each other."
"I'm pretty sure he knows who I am now."
"Josh spoke to me today! Allison and I went into the cafe and when he was making my coffee he asked me if I wanted regular or low-fat milk. I told him low-fat and he said, 'Coming right up!' Then he smiled."
5. If you're very brave, ask him out on dates.
If he says no (especially if he says no nicely) keep asking him out. Don't give up until he's rejected you at least 3 times.
6. The Internet is a stalker's new best friend.
Your first priority is to try to find Mr. Lovely's web page. I suggest starting with AltaVista. Separate his first and last name into two parts and make them required for return. (i.e.: +"josh" +"lurie-terrell"). If you find his page, bookmark it and visit it often.
If you have a shell account, "finger" him to see when he last logged in. This helps you more easily track his every move.
It's also fun to get really drunk, log on and send him e-mail. Pour your heart out to him and tell him you miss him with all your heart and soul. You'll sincerely regret it in the morning, but it'll seem like a great idea at the time. To: coffeejosh@ginger.berkeley.edu
From: daisy@linex.com
Date: Wed, 02 Apr 1997 23:21:01 -0800
Subject: Hi! :)
Dearest Josh,
You probably don't know me, but I come into the cafe where
you work a lot. I know you go to Berkeley, so I fingered
josh@every machine on the Berkeley system until I found
your e-mail address. You're always very friendly to me and
you give me a shot of almond syrup in my latte whenever I
ask for one. In fact, sometimes you even suggest the
almond syrup! : )
You've probably noticed that I haven't been into the cafe
for awhile. I was sent down to Orange County for my job
for a few months. I really hate it. In fact, I'm totally drunk
right now. I drank an entire bottle of Glen Ellen white
zinfandel while I was watching Party of Five tonight. (You
should pick some up - it's only $4 a bottle) So anyway, I
guess the reason I'm writing is because I really miss you
and I wish you were here to froth my cappacino right now
(if you know what I mean). Do you want to go out for a beer
or something some time?
-Wendy, Almond Syrup Girl
7. Befriend his unattractive best friend.
You'll get to hang out with him sometimes and you'll hear all sorts of funny stories where he figures prominently. Bonus: You'll get a nice ego boost when Mr. Best Friend falls in love with you and you have to reject him.
8. Talk shit about his girlfriend.
9. If you're still in school, take the same classes he does.
You might end up in a study group with him. At the very least, you'll get to stare at him on a regular basis. Even better, switch to his major. This will give you something to talk to him about if you run into him at a party.
10. Call him and hang up when he answers.
11. If he's in a band, go see their shows all the time
But don't act too groupy-ish. You'll just end up looking lame. Instead, keep your distance. If he approaches you smoke a cigarette and look amused.
12. If he smokes and you don't – start!
This will ensure that you have something in common. Also, bumming a cigarette is one of the best ways to start up a conversation with someone you don't know. In California you aren't allowed to smoke indoors in any public place. This forces smokers to go outside to alleys, patios and back porches to feed their habit and gives them a feeling of camaraderie.
13. And finally, if he ever starts to get scared of you back off. A restraining order really ruins a relationship.
How to pursue the guy you adore but are unable to deal with on an adult level
Note: This article is a big, fat joke. If you are really stalking someone in a creepy and scary way, you should stop.
1. Find out where he works.
If he works in a store or food place, shop or eat there regularly. If you're lucky, he might wait on you. Try to get as much interaction out of him as you can. For example, if he comes to your table to check on how things are, ask for a refill of coffee or iced tea. This will force him to come back to your table.
If he doesn't work in a store, you can still stalk him. Receptionists are notorious for leaking information. For example, if you don't know his last name, call and ask for him by his first name. The receptionist will most likely ask for his last name. Pretend that you can't remember his last name and act really embarrassed about it. S/he will most likely sympathize and tell you. Extra bonus: the receptionist might connect you to his extension and you'll get to hear him say, "Hi. This is Josh," before you hang up really fast.
2. Drive by the place he lives.
The Route
When I was a sophomore in high school, my friend Gretchen and I had a route that we drove daily that passed the houses of all the boys we liked - Chris Toupe, Geoff Henderson, and John Livingston. (John Livingston is an actor now, appearing as Walter in the fine film "Mr. Wrong."). At night, drive by very slowly. Sometimes a curtain will be carelessly left open and you can peek in the living room. If you can walk by his house, that's even better. You never know when he'll be outside playing basketball and you'll be able to strike up a conversation. It is very important that you be subtle about this house thing. You must always have a plausible excuse for being in his presence because you don't want to look psycho -- this ruins all your chances with Mr. Wonderful.
3. Try to obtain objects he owns.
If you hang out with him, you can borrow things from him and "forget" to return them. If you don't know him well enough to do this, you will have to steal. The #1 best thing you can get is a piece of his clothing. Sniff the fabric to see if it still smells like him, wear it frequently and refuse to wash it. When clothing isn't available there are many other objects that will suffice: books (for insights into his interests and thought processes), CD's (Warning: if a CD is very easy to obtain, it probably isn't in heavy rotation and he is trying to get rid of it. This means you could start listening to Hootie and the Blowfish all the time for no reason.), and sunglasses (so you can put them on and see the world the way he does). If you aren't able to get your hands on something he owns, you'll have to settle for something he's touched. Walk around behind him and pick up things he's dropped -- pens, pencils, BART tickets, candy wrappers, etc. When you're not fondling the objects, keep them in a special place - under your futon, in a box that you've decoupaged his name onto, etc.
4. Write about him in your journal every day.
Make sure to say things like:
"If he'd only talk to me he'd see that we're perfect for each other."
"I'm pretty sure he knows who I am now."
"Josh spoke to me today! Allison and I went into the cafe and when he was making my coffee he asked me if I wanted regular or low-fat milk. I told him low-fat and he said, 'Coming right up!' Then he smiled."
5. If you're very brave, ask him out on dates.
If he says no (especially if he says no nicely) keep asking him out. Don't give up until he's rejected you at least 3 times.
6. The Internet is a stalker's new best friend.
Your first priority is to try to find Mr. Lovely's web page. I suggest starting with AltaVista. Separate his first and last name into two parts and make them required for return. (i.e.: +"josh" +"lurie-terrell"). If you find his page, bookmark it and visit it often.
If you have a shell account, "finger" him to see when he last logged in. This helps you more easily track his every move.
It's also fun to get really drunk, log on and send him e-mail. Pour your heart out to him and tell him you miss him with all your heart and soul. You'll sincerely regret it in the morning, but it'll seem like a great idea at the time. To: coffeejosh@ginger.berkeley.edu
From: daisy@linex.com
Date: Wed, 02 Apr 1997 23:21:01 -0800
Subject: Hi! :)
Dearest Josh,
You probably don't know me, but I come into the cafe where
you work a lot. I know you go to Berkeley, so I fingered
josh@every machine on the Berkeley system until I found
your e-mail address. You're always very friendly to me and
you give me a shot of almond syrup in my latte whenever I
ask for one. In fact, sometimes you even suggest the
almond syrup! : )
You've probably noticed that I haven't been into the cafe
for awhile. I was sent down to Orange County for my job
for a few months. I really hate it. In fact, I'm totally drunk
right now. I drank an entire bottle of Glen Ellen white
zinfandel while I was watching Party of Five tonight. (You
should pick some up - it's only $4 a bottle) So anyway, I
guess the reason I'm writing is because I really miss you
and I wish you were here to froth my cappacino right now
(if you know what I mean). Do you want to go out for a beer
or something some time?
-Wendy, Almond Syrup Girl
7. Befriend his unattractive best friend.
You'll get to hang out with him sometimes and you'll hear all sorts of funny stories where he figures prominently. Bonus: You'll get a nice ego boost when Mr. Best Friend falls in love with you and you have to reject him.
8. Talk shit about his girlfriend.
9. If you're still in school, take the same classes he does.
You might end up in a study group with him. At the very least, you'll get to stare at him on a regular basis. Even better, switch to his major. This will give you something to talk to him about if you run into him at a party.
10. Call him and hang up when he answers.
11. If he's in a band, go see their shows all the time
But don't act too groupy-ish. You'll just end up looking lame. Instead, keep your distance. If he approaches you smoke a cigarette and look amused.
12. If he smokes and you don't – start!
This will ensure that you have something in common. Also, bumming a cigarette is one of the best ways to start up a conversation with someone you don't know. In California you aren't allowed to smoke indoors in any public place. This forces smokers to go outside to alleys, patios and back porches to feed their habit and gives them a feeling of camaraderie.
13. And finally, if he ever starts to get scared of you back off. A restraining order really ruins a relationship.
Things that Piss Me Off!!!
Liars & Cheaters...
People with no shame...you know who you are!
Thieves of hearts...& other thieves irk me too.
People that feel like they've got to touch you to talk to you.
Women groping married men & then acting clueless when you give them a dirty look. Whores/Sluts...you know who you are!!!
Married men that LET single women grope them instead of telling them to keep their greasy paws off...you know who you are! Get a divorce if you feel the need to let strange women grope you!!!
Insensitive clods...
Being alone & feeling unloved by the world...
The fact that alcohol is a depressant...
People that say "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY" after they've ruined your life.
(the above is a stupid cunt remark)
Men that think I'm patient & understanding...I guess you don't know me if you use those 2 adjectives to describe me.
Men that think I'm big & strong when I actually wear my heart on my sleeve.
This is what I really think of Joe Blow!!!
he ain't nothing but a liar & cheater...this one's for you!!!
Saturday, August 13, 2005
TEXAS!!!
When you're from Texas, people that you meet ask you questions like,
"Do you have any cows?"
"Do you have horses?"
"Bet you got a bunch of guns, eh?"
They all want to know if you've been to Southfork. They watched Dallas.
Have you ever looked at a map of the world?
Look at Texas with me just for a second.
That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be.. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas.
Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is.
What happens if I show you a picture of any other state?
You might get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would?
And even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?
In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup.
There is some little bit of Texas in everyone.
Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow...so you're from Iowa? Cool, tell me about it?"
Do you know why? Because there's no place like Texas.
Texas is the Alamo.
Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom.
We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Crockett and do you know why?
Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes.
John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas. Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto.
Texas is "Juneteenth" and Texas Independence Day.
Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett National Forest.
Texas is breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend.
Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas Hill Country.
Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas.
Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.
Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork.
Texas is Mexican food like nowhere else, not even Mexico.
Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Ballpark in Arlington and the Astrodome. Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Denton Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings, Janis Joplin, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Sam Rayburn, George Bush, Lyndon B.Johnson, and George W. Bush.
Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments and Compaq and LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE, Home of the F-16 Jet Fighter and the JSF Fighter.
Texas is NASA.
Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops.
Texas is skies blackened with doves, and fields full of deer.
Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the local High School Football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, and for the Night In Old San Antonio River Parade in San Antonio.
Texas is ocean beaches, deserts, lake s and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities.
If it isn't in Texas, you probably don't need it.
No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas.
By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
Think about that for a second.
You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California, or Maine and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet.
You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in Longview or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet.
Do you know why? B
ecause it is the only state that was a republic before it became a state.
Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here.
Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C. and we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to!
We included these things as part of the deal when we came on.
That's the best part, right there.
Texas even has its own power grid!!
"Do you have any cows?"
"Do you have horses?"
"Bet you got a bunch of guns, eh?"
They all want to know if you've been to Southfork. They watched Dallas.
Have you ever looked at a map of the world?
Look at Texas with me just for a second.
That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be.. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas.
Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is.
What happens if I show you a picture of any other state?
You might get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would?
And even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?
In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup.
There is some little bit of Texas in everyone.
Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow...so you're from Iowa? Cool, tell me about it?"
Do you know why? Because there's no place like Texas.
Texas is the Alamo.
Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom.
We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Crockett and do you know why?
Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes.
John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas. Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto.
Texas is "Juneteenth" and Texas Independence Day.
Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett National Forest.
Texas is breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend.
Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas Hill Country.
Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas.
Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.
Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork.
Texas is Mexican food like nowhere else, not even Mexico.
Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Ballpark in Arlington and the Astrodome. Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Denton Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings, Janis Joplin, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Sam Rayburn, George Bush, Lyndon B.Johnson, and George W. Bush.
Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments and Compaq and LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE, Home of the F-16 Jet Fighter and the JSF Fighter.
Texas is NASA.
Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops.
Texas is skies blackened with doves, and fields full of deer.
Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the local High School Football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, and for the Night In Old San Antonio River Parade in San Antonio.
Texas is ocean beaches, deserts, lake s and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities.
If it isn't in Texas, you probably don't need it.
No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas.
By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
Think about that for a second.
You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California, or Maine and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet.
You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in Longview or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet.
Do you know why? B
ecause it is the only state that was a republic before it became a state.
Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here.
Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C. and we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to!
We included these things as part of the deal when we came on.
That's the best part, right there.
Texas even has its own power grid!!
Why ARE Men Happier?
Men Are Just Happier People-- Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someoneforgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier...
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someoneforgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier...
16 Things,,,
16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine... They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have to dinner with.
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine... They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have to dinner with.
This Explains a Helluva Fucking Lot!!!
Land of the Longhorn
Yee haw! Austin, Texas, tops the list of best cities to play the dating game. Is the city you call home the place to find that special someone?
Best Cities for Dating
1. Austin, TX
2. Colorado Springs, CO
3. San Diego, CA
4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
5. Seattle, WA
6. Charleston, SC
7. Norfolk, VA
8. Ann Arbor, MI
9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI
Worst Cities for Dating
1. Kansas City, MO
2. Wichita, KS
3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
4. Detroit, MI
5. Louisville, KY
6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
7. Atlanta, GA
8. Pittsburgh, PA
9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC
http://www.bestplaces.net/docs/studies/DatingCities.aspx
Yee haw! Austin, Texas, tops the list of best cities to play the dating game. Is the city you call home the place to find that special someone?
Best Cities for Dating
1. Austin, TX
2. Colorado Springs, CO
3. San Diego, CA
4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
5. Seattle, WA
6. Charleston, SC
7. Norfolk, VA
8. Ann Arbor, MI
9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI
Worst Cities for Dating
1. Kansas City, MO
2. Wichita, KS
3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
4. Detroit, MI
5. Louisville, KY
6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
7. Atlanta, GA
8. Pittsburgh, PA
9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC
http://www.bestplaces.net/docs/studies/DatingCities.aspx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
