Updated Stalking Ideas...

http://www.pottymouth.org/humor/stalking.html
How to pursue the guy you adore but are unable to deal with on an adult level
Note: This article is a big, fat joke. If you are really stalking someone in a creepy and scary way, you should stop.
1. Find out where he works.
If he works in a store or food place, shop or eat there regularly. If you're lucky, he might wait on you. Try to get as much interaction out of him as you can. For example, if he comes to your table to check on how things are, ask for a refill of coffee or iced tea. This will force him to come back to your table.
If he doesn't work in a store, you can still stalk him. Receptionists are notorious for leaking information. For example, if you don't know his last name, call and ask for him by his first name. The receptionist will most likely ask for his last name. Pretend that you can't remember his last name and act really embarrassed about it. S/he will most likely sympathize and tell you. Extra bonus: the receptionist might connect you to his extension and you'll get to hear him say, "Hi. This is Josh," before you hang up really fast.
2. Drive by the place he lives.
The Route
When I was a sophomore in high school, my friend Gretchen and I had a route that we drove daily that passed the houses of all the boys we liked - Chris Toupe, Geoff Henderson, and John Livingston. (John Livingston is an actor now, appearing as Walter in the fine film "Mr. Wrong."). At night, drive by very slowly. Sometimes a curtain will be carelessly left open and you can peek in the living room. If you can walk by his house, that's even better. You never know when he'll be outside playing basketball and you'll be able to strike up a conversation. It is very important that you be subtle about this house thing. You must always have a plausible excuse for being in his presence because you don't want to look psycho -- this ruins all your chances with Mr. Wonderful.
3. Try to obtain objects he owns.
If you hang out with him, you can borrow things from him and "forget" to return them. If you don't know him well enough to do this, you will have to steal. The #1 best thing you can get is a piece of his clothing. Sniff the fabric to see if it still smells like him, wear it frequently and refuse to wash it. When clothing isn't available there are many other objects that will suffice: books (for insights into his interests and thought processes), CD's (Warning: if a CD is very easy to obtain, it probably isn't in heavy rotation and he is trying to get rid of it. This means you could start listening to Hootie and the Blowfish all the time for no reason.), and sunglasses (so you can put them on and see the world the way he does). If you aren't able to get your hands on something he owns, you'll have to settle for something he's touched. Walk around behind him and pick up things he's dropped -- pens, pencils, BART tickets, candy wrappers, etc. When you're not fondling the objects, keep them in a special place - under your futon, in a box that you've decoupaged his name onto, etc.
4. Write about him in your journal every day.
Make sure to say things like:
"If he'd only talk to me he'd see that we're perfect for each other."
"I'm pretty sure he knows who I am now."
"Josh spoke to me today! Allison and I went into the cafe and when he was making my coffee he asked me if I wanted regular or low-fat milk. I told him low-fat and he said, 'Coming right up!' Then he smiled."
5. If you're very brave, ask him out on dates.
If he says no (especially if he says no nicely) keep asking him out. Don't give up until he's rejected you at least 3 times.
6. The Internet is a stalker's new best friend.
Your first priority is to try to find Mr. Lovely's web page. I suggest starting with AltaVista. Separate his first and last name into two parts and make them required for return. (i.e.: +"josh" +"lurie-terrell"). If you find his page, bookmark it and visit it often.
If you have a shell account, "finger" him to see when he last logged in. This helps you more easily track his every move.
It's also fun to get really drunk, log on and send him e-mail. Pour your heart out to him and tell him you miss him with all your heart and soul. You'll sincerely regret it in the morning, but it'll seem like a great idea at the time. To: coffeejosh@ginger.berkeley.edu
From: daisy@linex.com
Date: Wed, 02 Apr 1997 23:21:01 -0800
Subject: Hi! :)
Dearest Josh,
You probably don't know me, but I come into the cafe where
you work a lot. I know you go to Berkeley, so I fingered
josh@every machine on the Berkeley system until I found
your e-mail address. You're always very friendly to me and
you give me a shot of almond syrup in my latte whenever I
ask for one. In fact, sometimes you even suggest the
almond syrup! : )
You've probably noticed that I haven't been into the cafe
for awhile. I was sent down to Orange County for my job
for a few months. I really hate it. In fact, I'm totally drunk
right now. I drank an entire bottle of Glen Ellen white
zinfandel while I was watching Party of Five tonight. (You
should pick some up - it's only $4 a bottle) So anyway, I
guess the reason I'm writing is because I really miss you
and I wish you were here to froth my cappacino right now
(if you know what I mean). Do you want to go out for a beer
or something some time?
-Wendy, Almond Syrup Girl
7. Befriend his unattractive best friend.
You'll get to hang out with him sometimes and you'll hear all sorts of funny stories where he figures prominently. Bonus: You'll get a nice ego boost when Mr. Best Friend falls in love with you and you have to reject him.
8. Talk shit about his girlfriend.
9. If you're still in school, take the same classes he does.
You might end up in a study group with him. At the very least, you'll get to stare at him on a regular basis. Even better, switch to his major. This will give you something to talk to him about if you run into him at a party.
10. Call him and hang up when he answers.
11. If he's in a band, go see their shows all the time
But don't act too groupy-ish. You'll just end up looking lame. Instead, keep your distance. If he approaches you smoke a cigarette and look amused.
12. If he smokes and you don't – start!
This will ensure that you have something in common. Also, bumming a cigarette is one of the best ways to start up a conversation with someone you don't know. In California you aren't allowed to smoke indoors in any public place. This forces smokers to go outside to alleys, patios and back porches to feed their habit and gives them a feeling of camaraderie.
13. And finally, if he ever starts to get scared of you back off. A restraining order really ruins a relationship.